Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
