Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
