If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
