being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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