You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
