I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
