woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
