My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
