Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
