Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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