you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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