bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
