So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
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We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
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wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My life is pants optional.
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