then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
