I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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