I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
