you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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