I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
