it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
