just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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