I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
