The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
