So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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