it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
