I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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