in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
