just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
