I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
