She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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