If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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