I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
