my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
soo... how was my night?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
