The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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