ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He better not be in your backpack
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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