We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
being pregnant is like rehab
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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