and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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