All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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