I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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