I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.