Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
