dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
