Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
