if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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