I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
