I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
