M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
