I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
