24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
