I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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