Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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