News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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