"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
