when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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