just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
