If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
