What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
