My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
what day is it and did you see me today?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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