would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
