i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
