Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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