I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
