id be glad to
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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